I've Become So Numb
by TabithaWinchester
Summary: Dean and Cas are trying to get over Sam's death in the only way they can. Trying to feel again. (One!shot Destiel)


**This is just a quick one!shot, I write when I'm upset(well at least that was the cause of this particular one) and basically any other time of day... Meaning, _way_ too much. And I have way too many stories that I haven't posted, so I thought I should start. Enough of me...Hope you enjoy it 3 Feedback greatly appreciated. **

* * *

**I've Become So Numb**

Dean sat upright in bed, breathing heavily, warm tears streaking down his cheeks. _Again_... He couldn't stop the nightmares from coming, they continued to haunt him with images of his brother burning in hell when he was left up here, living. He didn't want to be... _Living_. The only thing that kept him alive was Cas. Cas has been with Dean for what seems like forever now, but they didn't start living together in Bobby's place until now. Cas was always in heaven, too busy to stay long, but he'd always be home during the nigh, always. But right after Sam's death he got cut off from heaven for helping the Winchesters stop the apocalypse from happening. He's basically human now, with the exception of his wings and ability to heal. But he couldn't drag Sam back out of the pit, and it's been bothering him lately, even if Cas didn't show it, Dean could tell. Having no where else to go, he promised to actually stay for good, much to Dean's pleasure, but things just weren't the same as they were before Sammy died.

_Sammy_... The name sent shivers down Dean's spine, unable to keep it out of his head. It had always been his job to watch over his little brother, take care of him and keep him from getting hurt, pretty much raising him on his own. The tears fell faster as Dean's mind continued to swirl and he felt a hand on his shoulder, the blankets rustling around him suggesting he woke Cas up. Dean wouldn't turn to face him, angrily wiping the tears from his cheeks, rubbing the bridge of his nose hardly. Cas tried to get him to turn around again, the grip on his shoulder smoothing comfortingly down his back, trying to get Dean to calm down. Dean finally gave in and turned around to meet his concerned blue eyes, finding a tear on the edge of one of them, threatening to fall.

"Cas...? You're crying." Dean got out, voice strained from trying to keep the emotion out of it, more tears relentlessly rolling down his cheeks. The tear in Cas' eye finally fell, smoothly guiding across his cheek. Cas was about to say something but closed his mouth, biting his lip hardly as if trying to keep himself from sobbing. Dean reached up to wipe the tear off of Cas' cheek, the angel smiling at him sadly, lips quivering. Dean had never seen him like this before, he didn't even know angels... Cried. But Cas couldn't hold it in anymore, it was like he's kept all of this pain and sadness locked up inside of him for so long that when it finally surfaced, when he finally gave into it all, it consumed him, completely tearing him apart from the inside out, leaving him broken. Dean shook his head sadly, new tears falling onto the sheets that were spread on his lap. He was explaining _himself_, not Cas...

"I miss him... Dean, I miss him and I don't know what to-." Cas full out sobbed, falling into Dean's arms, hiding his face in his shoulder, warm tears falling onto Dean's bare chest. Dean held Cas tightly against him, rubbing his back as he slowly rocked them back and forth.

"I've never... Missed someone like this before... It's hurts Dean, please make it stop, make it stop." Cas cried into his shoulder, sounding defenseless and small, his usual deep voice pitched slightly higher, breathing unevenly.

"Shhh... I know Cas, I know." Dean soothed against his ear.

"It's my fault... I couldn't save him, I should have saved him." Cas cried harder causing Dean to flinch, squeezing his eyes shut tightly to keep his own tears away, biting the inside of his cheek until his tasted blood.

"No, no Cas, it's not your fault. You couldn't have saved him, neither of us could. We'll get him back, we always get him-" Dean cut himself off, finding that he was unable to talk. He pulled away slightly, arms still wrapped around Cas, meeting blue eyes drowned with tears, pooling over their icy exterior. Dean leaned forward, kissing the tears off of Cas' cheek, squeezing his eyes tightly shut before traveling to Cas' mouth, gently pulling his bottom lip between his. Cas shuttered against him, his fingers cutting into the skin on Dean's bare back as he gripped him tighter against himself.

"I'll make it better Cas, for both of us, everything will be alright, I'll make it go away." Dean said against his lips before kissing him harder, Cas falling down into the cushion causing his head to bounce slightly up from the pillow before Dean pressed down forcefully against him.

"Make it all go away..." Dean repeated while Cas gasped for air against his lips. "Dean... Please." Cas whined, pulling Dean's head down by the base of his neck, slotting their lips together to deepen the kiss even more as Dean rolled his hips roughly against Cas'...Trying to forget.

Everything was so numb, everything would always be numb. It's only been a few months here without Sam, for who has probably spent years with Lucifer and Michael in the cage. The emptiness inside of Dean was overwhelming and worse than any pain or torture he's ever been put through before. He tried to feel, tracing his hand down Cas' sides and against his hips, gripping them tightly as he moved the angel with him, causing Cas to moan underneath him. But he didn't _feel_. He couldn't... Everything felt like he was experiencing it second hand, feeling far away, too far to touch, to except, to grieve. It had gotten to Cas somehow, he knew, he could tell when Cas was suddenly overcome by it all, rolling them over on the bed to where he was now on top of Dean, attacking his lips frantically, Dean still tasting the salt of his tears. Dean gave in to him, laying his head back submissively as Cas moved from his lips to his neck, nipping it slightly before kissing over the spot hardly, hips like fire against Dean's.

"Cas... Oh God, please..." Dean said as Cas rolled down further, lips against his bare chest, now straddling him to the mattress, his skin like cold fire, unable to feel the warmth of the touch. It wasn't fair, why was it Sammy, why wasn't it him. It should have been him, Sam doesn't deserve this, he never did deserve this life in general. Sammy, at least, deserves peace, and he can't even have that because of what fate has done to him. Dean started crying again, swearing under his breath not to think, concentrate on Cas, on Cas' lips against his chest moving downward now. But it didn't work, where Cas was rested over him felt too light and hollow, the room enclosing on him, everything sounding muted against his ears... Terrifying him. Suddenly, Dean found himself grabbing pathetically towards Cas' arms, his whole body completely numb to the point where he couldn't feel Cas' lips, the weight against him, or even his own fingers searching in the dark.

"Cas..." He cried out, reaching out for him, still unable to find him through the darkness causing him to panic, terrified that he might be alone.

"Cas..." He sobbed, hearing the tears in his voice, causing Cas to suddenly roll back up to meet his eyes, his own almost black, their icy blue layer looking cracked and... _Broken_. Dean just stared at him, relief flooding over him so quickly at the sight of the angel causing him to shutter, breathing in Cas' warm breath so close to his lips. He reached his hand up to catch Cas' cheek in his palm, stroking his thumb over the angel's soft skin. Cas leaned into the touch, his eyes softening, closer to the pooling blue they used to be.

"Cas... I can't. It's not right..." Dean said, hardly louder than a whisper, but Cas still flinched against him, eyes now reflecting hurt and pain.

"I don't want to use you Castiel... I love you, it feels wrong using you like this." Dean whispered, his voice cracking on the word _love_, Cas' whole body quivering now.

"I can't _feel_, Cas. I can't feel anything, everything's numb and-"

"I'll make it better." Cas cut him off, smiling sadly as he wiped the tears away from under Dean's eyes again before sliding down beside him. He pulled the abandoned sheets back over them, curling himself alongside Dean's back, arms wrapping around his waist, holding him tightly against his body.

"Make it better." Cas repeated against Dean's ear, his hot breath causing Dean to melt into his touch, leaning back against him.

"Don't ever leave." Dean breathed, folding his arms over the angel's, which where still around his waist, finally trying to clear his mind and just appreciate the silence and the feeling of Cas so close, knowing no one could take him away from him, feeling _safe_.

"Never... I'm not going anywhere, I didn't get to say it earlier but...I love you too." Cas muttered tiredly causing Dean to smile, finding that his eyes were dry for the first time that night.

"You don't have to say it, I know."


End file.
